The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory Read online

  Copyright © 2017 by Dedeker Winston

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  Cover design by Jane Sheppard

  Print ISBN: 978–1–5107–1208–9

  Ebook ISBN: 978–1–5107–1209–6

  Printed in the United States of America

  For Emily

  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Preface

  Course Syllabus: An Introduction to Alternative Love

  SECTION I—POLYAMORY 101

  1. Polyamory: What It Is and What It Isn’t

  2. From Tribal Living to Sacred Cuddling Parties: The Unwritten History of Polyamory

  SECTION II—PRE-REQS

  3. Gnothi Seauton: How to Know Yourself Inside and Out

  4. Smart Girl Skills

  SECTION III—MASTERING NON-MONOGAMY

  5. The Biggest Question: Jealousy

  6. The Second Biggest Question: Sex

  7. Land of Love-Craft: Crafting Your Relationships from the Ground Up

  8. The Good, the Bad, and the In-Between

  SECTION IV—OUT OF THE CLASSROOM, INTO THE WORLD

  9. Say Good-bye to the Closet

  10. Finding Your Tribe

  11. Polyamory: The Next Frontier

  Conclusion: Going Within and Going Beyond

  Resources

  Glossary

  Notes

  Index

  Acknowledgments

  My deepest appreciation goes to every person who removed obstacles and helped forge the path ahead. Special thanks to …

  My agents, Uwe and Brent, for sharing my vision and stroking my ego at all the right moments.

  My editor, Nicole, for endless patience for all of my newb questions.

  Alex, for making me smile.

  My community of friends at The Church, for carrying and supporting me.

  Mali, for challenging me to do things right.

  My family, for unconditional love.

  Jase, for giving me absolutely everything, without reservation, expectation, or obligation, even when I didn’t deserve it.

  Preface

  It was with great trepidation that I started writing a book on polyamory specifically for women. Though I was raised by a strong, independent single woman, I resisted the label of “capital-F feminist” for so long. From what I saw growing up, feminists were ridiculed. They had so many important things to say about intersectionality, beauty standards, and centuries of oppression, but these opinions were often invalidated by the grossly distorted social caricature of what a feminist was—man-hating, picketing, bra-burning grumps out to ruin everyone’s fun. In my formative years, I wanted to speak up against these things, but I feared being stereotyped in the same way.

  I was in a stage production of The Vagina Monologues during my sophomore year of college. Me, the theater arts major and therefore only “real” actor in the production, saddled with twenty women’s studies majors who were full of heart, passion, and spit, but who couldn’t vocally project to save their lives. As most of the group took up rehearsal time organizing next week’s Take Back the Night rally and discussing the situation in Darfur, I sat in the corner memorizing my lines and hoping the performance wouldn’t be too much of a train wreck to invite my theater professors. I couldn’t see the forest of feminist liberation for the trees of good presentation.

  Humanism. That’s what I clung to. My investment in the value and shared plight of all human beings allowed me to wave the banner for equality and stick it to the man without having to get lumped into the “angry feminist” image that I so feared. I recognized the crushing weight of gender inequality, but I rallied for all human beings to have their rights recognized. Our cultural obsession with the differences between the genders was what was holding us back. A rising tide lifts all boats, after all, and everyone would benefit if we could just start focusing on the similarities between human beings rather than the disparities.

  This is a philosophy that I hold to this day, particularly in my view of polyamory. Polyamory resonated so strongly with me because I perceived it to be equal-opportunity. It allowed for the recognition that all human beings want love, sex, attention, support, and community. In the world of polyamory, it wasn’t strange that I, a woman, wanted a variety of sexual partners with no desire for exclusivity (qualities normally attributed to men). It wasn’t strange for a woman to be the primary breadwinner while her romantic partners preferred to be at home. Gender roles were fluid and frequently turned upside down, and everyone involved aimed for equal access to partners, sex, support, and love.

  I didn’t recognize it initially, but this falls in line with feminist thought. And like feminism itself, my choice to pursue polyamory has been met with all-too-familiar backlash. Women don’t want sex as much as men do. Polyamory will never work, because all women eventually want to settle down with a husband and kids. Women who have multiple partners just have unresolved father issues. While criticism of polyamorous men can be just as vitriolic, my years spent in this lifestyle have illuminated how cruel society can be to women who color outside the lines, especially when it comes to love, sex, and gender identity.

  My journey into polyamory has not been easy or comfortable, but the rewards have been innumerable. All of the highs, lows, and wrong turns have been an intense education about myself—what makes me tick, what sets me off, what turns me on, and what truly brings me happiness. I have found the power to craft relationships that fulfill and energize, and I have discovered more love, security, affection, trust, and stability than ever before. Even though I and countless others have found the same satisfaction, non-monogamous women are still viewed as deviant, attention-seeking, “slutty,” or mentally ill. Old-school cultural opinions on female romantic conduct are not congruent with the polyamorous models of equality, honesty, and sex positivity.

  These old opinions have infiltrated our movies, TV shows, books, and magazines. Girls are learning these traditional ideas about love and sex from the same places that teach them what kind of exercises to do to get a twenty-four-inch waist and which lip shade to buy that will inspire him to ask them to the prom. The disempowering pop culture of womanhood dictates not only how our bodies should look, but how our hearts should feel.

  Without even realizing it, I have found myself facing a feminist issue point-blank, despite all of my years of resistance. My small contribution is to provide a source of relationship knowledge that is empowering and enlivening. This book is an alternative education in love, because for so long there have been so few alternatives that women can turn to. Regardless of whether a woman chooses a romantic life that is monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, I envision a world where that choice is well-informed, supported, and accepted.

  I memorized my lines from The Vagina Monologues so well that I still remember them to this day, but to those twenty women’s studies majors who wasted valuable rehearsal time for the sake of bettering the world: you had the right idea.

  Course Syllabus: An Introduction to Alternative Love

  What is love? What does it mean to be in a relationship? These are painfully cliché questions, but human beings have been trying to come up with a satisfactory answer for centuries. No one has been able to agree on a common definition yet, but as a result of all our trying we have a veritable cornucopia of definitions of love. They’re all over the movies—Love means never having to say you’re sorry. They’re in every song on the radio—Love is like oxygen. Love is a battlefield. Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more. Go to a church service, and you’ll probably hear about it—Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. Social psychologist Barbara Fredrickson came up with this analytical, yet thorough description:

  Love is an interpersonally situated experience marked by momentary increases in shared positive emotions, biobehavioral synchrony, and mutual care, which, over time, builds embodied rapport, social bonds, and commitment.1

  This definition doesn’t make for great song lyrics.

  So maybe we can’t all get on the same page, but we can all agree that love is some thing that is part of the human experience. Call it a feeling, an emotional sensation, a mind-set, a verb, a way of being, but whatever it is, we do know that it is. Which leads to the follow-up question, one that is probably the source of more anxiety, confusion, agony, and puzzlement than the original cliché question.

  What do we do about it?

  This is the face that has launched a thousand ships. There are innumerable books, advice columns, workshops, seminars, dating websites,
therapists, and counselors, none of which would exist without countless human beings feeling stumped by that question.

  I love this person …

  But the sex isn’t good anymore.

  But I’m attracted to someone else.

  But my family doesn’t like her.

  But I want to have kids and he doesn’t.

  But I am also in love with three other people.

  But she doesn’t make enough money.

  But I still love my ex.

  But I don’t want to get hurt.

  But he doesn’t love me back.

  What do I do?

  Love, as much as it delights and intoxicates us, also sends us crashing into the depths of despair and sleepless nights. Solving the ubiquitous “problems” of love is the recurring theme of our soap operas and rom-coms. It keeps us running to the dating books and relationship professionals, seeking some logical, left-brained solution for our irrational, right-brained romantic turmoil.

  But as a result of consistently puzzling over this paradox, we are bombarded on a daily basis by those who would give us the holy grail of relationship advice. The secret is to act like a lady, think like a man. Or maybe the key is to accept the fact that he’s just not that into you. There might be some value to be found in saving sex for marriage. Or wait … perhaps you just need to follow these ten steps to get your man to settle down.

  Though the trials and tribulations of love seem to be universal, the solutions, advice, and quick-fixes found in trending Internet articles and on the magazine rack are definitely not. Women in particular are fed a one-size-fits-all script. You want to get married. You want to have babies. You want to lose weight. You want to look pretty. But the script ignores the stark truth that there is very little you can objectively claim that every woman wants. Not every woman is aiming to get married. Not every woman dreams of getting a guy to settle down. Not every woman believes in a soulmate. Not every woman wants to look like a woman. Not every woman is happy with the status quo of long-term monogamy.

  That’s where this book comes in. Sorry to say, it does not contain all the answers about how to love, who to love, or what to do about it all. What it does provide is a glimpse into a world outside the status quo. Instead of telling you the “rules” about relationships, this book presents the notion of having agency and power when creating relationships. There is no one way it has to be. There is a choice. You don’t have to get married. You don’t have to stay single to protect your heart. You don’t have to have 2.5 kids. You can have ten. Or none. You can roll around on the floor of a swinger’s club with someone you just met. You can bring your girlfriend and your boyfriend home for Christmas.

  If this is your first time picking up a book about polyamory, congratulations—but don’t get too excited. If non-monogamy intrigues you as an option for your life, the journey of discovery that you’re about to go on is not going to be easy and will be far from comfortable. The further you conceptually pull away from the cultural norms of monogamy and traditional marriage, the more important it will be to self-examine. You will be asking tough questions about what you really want out of your love life and how you want it to look, discovering how you genuinely function as a sexual being, uncovering your deepest desires, defense mechanisms, and motivations. And while the path to self-awareness and personal growth is typically riddled with embarrassing landmarks (your author has made more than a few humiliating mistakes), the best part is that it unlocks the freedom to unapologetically pursue what you want.

  The most powerful way to use The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory is to approach this book with your own life in mind. Make note of what you are drawn to and what you would want to make possible for your love life, as well as what turns you off or scares you. Be aware of thoughts and feelings, positive or negative, that arise as reactions to what you’re reading. It can be useful to keep a journal, especially for the personal exploration exercises. You may find much that surprises you about yourself, and you may be even more surprised to see your thoughts and feelings change over time.

  Whether you’re a seasoned graduate, a timid freshman, or somewhere in between, you’ll learn how to discover and craft unique relationships that are healthy, happy, sexy, and tailor-made for you. No relationship book can give you the exact answer you need at any given time, but if you’re armed with a little advice and a lot of self-knowledge, this book can be an excellent road map for any romantic journey you choose to take.

  The Women in This Book

  This book would not be possible without the generosity of all of the women who were willing to tell the stories of their nontraditional lives. The women I interviewed for this book are from all walks of life—young, old, straight, gay, queer, asexual, and transgender. These women represent multiple countries, cultures, colors, and religions. The majority of these women come from Western cultures, though during the writing of this book I was in the midst of traveling through many non-Western countries and compiling information and interviews with non-monogamous women. That research will likely be the subject of another book.

  The women in this book shared themselves with me fully, opened up about their most painful and vulnerable moments, and delighted me with their success stories. I sought to tell a story of women and polyamory that comes from many different viewpoints, some radically different from my own. I have employed pseudonyms and omitted some identifying details, unless the interviewee gave explicit permission otherwise. In the interest of avoiding tokenism, I have also refrained from including supplementary information about an interviewee’s age, race, sexual orientation, or gender identity unless she chose to specifically discuss these details within the context of the interview.

  Much of this book is also inspired by my own years of personal experience with relationship experimentation, exploratory writing that I did for the blog at Multiamory.com, and the wealth of wisdom I’ve gained in my relationship coaching work. My clients also represent a vast diversity—pansexual, parents, swingers, singles, couples, triads, and more. Without getting too sentimental, every coaching session that I do is a blessing. The people who choose to work with me never fail to help me discover new insights for myself and my own relationships. Many of my clients have graciously agreed to have their stories shared within these pages.

  Language Logistics

  Though this book was written with the female experience in mind, I have tried to write inclusively rather than exclusively. You might be cis-gender or not. You might choose to present as femme or not. You might align yourself with any number of possible gender expressions in the vast and exquisite realm of identity. You might pick up this book with excitement because you personally identify as a “smart girl.” You might be hesitant because you identify as a girl, you just don’t have girl body parts. You may not identify as female, but the majority of your partners do, and you might be seeking to better understand their experience. Or you might be turning up your nose at the fact that I chose to use “girl” instead of “woman.” Rest assured that this book makes no assumptions about your age, sexuality, gender identity, or relationship landscape.

  When I make reference to “your partner,” the term should be applied comprehensively to whichever interpersonal relationship the situation in context is most relevant to. “Your partner” may be a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a one-night stand, a person you only see twice a year, or the person you raise children with. In the interest of pulling away from couple-centrism, “your partner” does not by default refer to one person you hold more important than anyone else, nor does it imply that is how your relationship life should be structured. “Your partner” may be one of several partners you currently enjoy.

  Lastly, you will find a glossary in the back of the book to clarify any terminology that may be new to you. This glossary is far from exhaustive but will include most of the specialized vocabulary used here.

  The Journey Begins

  I am far from being the world’s leading expert on polyamory or even human relationships. I’m still on that journey for myself. But my hope in this book is to empower you to become the expert on the subject of you, what you want, and what you love. By the time you finish this book, you may decide that your romantic journey will be polyamory, or it may be swinging, or it might even be consciously-chosen, long-term monogamy. But instead of looking outward to all those magazines, movies, and songs on the radio, you’ll be on the journey of looking inward to create your own definitions of love and crafting your own totally unique vision of a healthy, happy love life. You may not be able to answer the question “What is love?” but you will be able to answer the more important questions—“What is love … to me? What do I do about it?”